day two

On Friday, the day after the diagnosis, I woke up sad and scared. The weather in Honolulu had been dismal for a few days and the rain only added to my dread.  I decided I would try to take Katie shopping in the morning, since our earlier outing had been cancelled.  I wasn’t looking forward to it.  I dreaded my meeting with Dr. Yee, the surgeon in charge of my case, but I feared being late for it. I knew things needed to be done in a hurry.

I left with Katie around nine, and even though things stayed damp, I slowly realized that I was glad we went.  We window-shopped and bought chocolates and cocoa and sat under an umbrella in the rain.  We had a serious, sometimes uncomfortable heart-to-heart discussion about what was to come and some of her concerns.  In her teen years, Katie has been a joy to me.  We’ve been very close.  She jealously guards her time with me.  I’m not sure if anything I said comforted her in any way, but I knew I had to be honest with her.

I was almost late to the appointment anyway.  I thought I left at a reasonable time, but traffic was at a standstill on the freeway, I still had errands to run and I had to get home to pick up Ryan. Then, I was nearly home when I noticed my gas gauge was on “empty.”

I was stressed now; I had been monitoring the time so closely.  What happened?  I’m never late.  I am compulsively early for every appointment. And here I was, about to be late to the most important meeting of my whole life.

Fortunately, Ryan and I managed to get there with a few minutes to spare.  I was led into a room with a nurse and she told me that I was scheduled for two more tests on Tuesday; a CT scan and a bone scan.  She told me a few things about Dr. Yee, and then she showed me a PowerPoint presentation about breast surgery and post-operative care.

Nothing could prepare me for the pictures I saw during the PowerPoint.  It started off with a lot of hopeful, encouraging information.  I learned what I would need to do after the operation, about statistics, and about treatment.  I was convinced for a few minutes that it might even be easy. But then the pictures reminded me of why I was there.  I was probably going to lose a breast.

Dr. Yee came in.  She came in with a lot of paperwork, all describing my condition.  Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  Possibly at stage two, since there were signs that the cancer had invaded my lymph nodes.  I would, indeed, need a mastectomy.  I would be able, at some point well after my recovery, to opt for reconstruction, involving another surgical procedure.  In the meantime, I would be provided with padded garments.  All was covered under Kaiser insurance. (Ryan was impressed that there was such a thing as a prescription for Neiman Marcus.) I was also scheduled for genetic testing to determine if I have the BRCA gene, which would be one of the few reasons to fear the cancer spreading to the other side.

After all that, oddly, things felt better.  I had information.  Things were scheduled.  I knew what needed to be done.

Dr. Yee is wonderful.  Ryan especially appreciated the time she took to answer every question.  And to me, she seemed confident and knowledgeable.  I feel I’m in good hands.

That doesn’t stop the fear, though.

Sometimes I feel like this will be just another story to tell.  This is no big deal, I say to myself.  You’ll be out of the hospital the day after the surgery. But then the fear creeps in, quietly, and I’m paralyzed.

I feel so many emotions over the course of a day that it scares me.  This weekend was full of those moments.  It otherwise felt like a normal weekend. We had the typical weekend things to do. And I realized that life is not going to stop.  I have no time to be afraid, or to curl into a ball and cry, because I still have things to do.

I was especially afraid of Tuesday’s tests.