I’m healing much faster than I thought I would. Luckily, I’ve been able to sleep like a newborn, which helps. I feared crippling pain and much more limited mobility. Six days after the procedure, I feel that the anticipation I experienced was much worse than the actual surgery and aftermath. Today, especially, I feel like I’ve turned a corner. I’ve needed less and less painkiller and have increasing energy. I realize now that there was nothing to fear from this. The wounds are draining faster today, somehow.
Mentally, though, I’m definitely not there yet. Mentally, I feel like an old woman. The process in my current state to get ready to take a shower is endless and comical. Ryan still has to wash my hair for me. Here’s another fun secret: pain medication makes you constipated. I’m obsessed with fiber and water. I’m dressing only in pajama tops because I can’t pull anything over my head yet. My trips outside are still fewer than I’d like, and that, combined with my wardrobe, makes me feel like a shut-in. I felt this diagnosis would sentence me to a prolonged life as an old woman. I should fear dying much more than getting old.
I know the physical changes are only temporary. I just hope I can shake this feeling that somehow, I’m broken. That strangers will find me less worthy of friendship or respect because they’ll figure out my secret. I fear that I’ll look normal on the outside, but still like an old, sick woman inside.
It took me three days to finally take off the giant dressing that the doctor said I could remove in two, and when I did, I knew I was going to be okay. It looked as ghastly as I imagined, but there was no infection, no swelling. Everything looked clean. There weren’t even bruises of any kind. I look lopsided, but honestly, it’s okay. I was so terrified of what might have been lurking under the dressing that it felt like a weight from my shoulders to take it off. It looks better and better every day. It’s certainly not shocking to take off my top anymore. Dr. Yee did excellent work.
Friday is going to be a busy day. I hope my energy level stays on its upward trajectory.
Jen's Cancer Blog 
Good to know that the physical side is on the up and up. The mental side is always rough, but it sounds like that’s not going to be a problem. And there ain’t no way you’re an old lady! You’re too cool for that yet. (And yeah, painkillers’ll block you up like nobody’s business. Lots of water.) ❤
Bravo, Jen! And, who knows…maybe Ryan has found a new career! Give him a pair of scissors and see what happens!
Jen
Thank you for sharing how you’re really feeling. So many times, we put a happy face on reality without really saying how we are really feeling. It gives me strength to read how you feel. I only hope I can pass that back to you.
Much love to you and your family.
Melissa
Seems you are proceeding nicely. Physically, at least. Thanks for taking the time to do the updates. Hope you can get a a point mentally so you may be fully healed.
Hang in there.
Praying for mental peace and strength as you heal.
Hiya Jen, glad you are healing well.
Dont feel like a old lady, cos for sure you are most deffinately a vibrant young woman.
Your courage is inspiring.
Happy for you, that you’re pleased with the surgeons work.
Love reading your updates. Thinking of you
Ryan & children at this testing time for you all.
Sending cyber hugs & good vibes to you.
Christine UK
So good to see that you are getting out and about, even if it’s not as much as you would like. You’ve been through a physical trauma, and it’s ok to not be in tip-top shape a few days after surgery. It’s ok to let Ryan take care of you, too. 🙂 You’re still the same Jen that you were before. Nothing that anyone loves you for has changed.
You are ferociously strong and beautiful and wonderful and I admire you very much. Hopefully you will soon be able to do something that makes you happy so that you can feel better mentally. Hang in there and know that we are all in your corner.