I feel peaceful today. The anxiety has calmed somewhat. I feel grateful for days like this, when the serenity prayer wedges itself into part of my brain and sticks there for a little while.
Yesterday, during treatment, I confessed my anxiety to a nurse, who spoke with Dr, Nguyen, who let them give me Ativan, an anti-anxiety medication. It really helped.
Dr. Nguyen and I have had conversations about this anxiety and he’s recommended several medications that he thinks might help, but only my psychiatrist. Dr. Hayakawa, can prescribe them. I’ve been playing phone tag with Dr. Hayakawa for a few days and now he’s on vacation. I learned today, though, that my regular physician, Dr. Hata, can prescribe something.
I don’t want more medication. I want to conquer this with prayer or yoga or meditation. I’m still trying all of those things, and I feel healthier, but I just can’t quiet the voices whispering “what if”?
This anxiety has had a major plus side, in that it’s driven me to get more done than normal. I’ve been on a mission to declutter and decrud the house. Now I fear the new medication will remove my drive. It might quiet some of the voices, but I think I might need a few of them. I know a new drug isn’t necessarily the answer. I want to fight this cancer with everything I have, though, unencumbered by what if’s and thoughts of things I can’t change.
I’m not scared of this disease. I’m afraid of the future. I realize now that I need Ryan in my life for the rest of my days, and this cancer has made it clear to me that anybody can lose anyone they love at any time. What would I do if I lost him? I literally don’t know how I’d survive. He’s my soulmate and we’re partners in every way. This cancer has redefined things in our relationship somewhat, and everyday, I regret that.
I have found a few things that have centered me these days. I’ve found sitting on my bed with my iPod makes me calm for a while. It sounds so simple, and I know I could be using my time more productively, but I’ve always needed music around me. Music has helped boost me so many times.
I hope, somehow, I can just this kind of inner calm every day.