I’ve been very anxious this past week.  I’ve been too nervous to write; I have had not much of an appetite, and not much desire to do much of anything but be anxious.

I can’t even tell you what I’m anxious about.  I’m worried about my kids.  I’m worried about home repairs and housework; about bottled water.   I’m looking for reasons for it, and I can’t find any.  It doesn’t seem to be a side effect of the chemo.  I just know that recently, I’ve spent every minute being freaked out about something.  It’s unhealthy to worry this much, I’m sure, but I don’t know how to stop.

I woke up today feeling somewhat peaceful. It was such a relief.  Last night the tension was painful.  I didn’t think I’d ever feel normal or happy again, but today, I’m calm.  I don’t know for how long, and I’m scared.  I don’t know how I’ll cope if it comes back.  I think the peace might have come from a middle of the night cleaning rampage.  I hope that that’s not what it takes.

I do think I’ve been handling baldness better than I anticipated, though.  I’ve only made a few trips out, and I’ve gotten a few curious looks, but also some knowing nods and even encouraging words.



8 thoughts on “fearful

  1. Are you sure it’s not a side effect, Jen? Regardless, it’s probably worth a mention to your doctor. S/he might be able to give you some peace of mind.
    continuing prayers…tutu

  2. After experiencing prolonged stress, it is not unusual to have generalized anxiety – I have been in your shoes back when my doctor discovered a 5-inch ovarian mass. I worried about everything. And sometimes, I couldn’t even pinpoint exactly what I was worried about or why. I tried to keep up with my coursework but it was hard to concentrate. I even showed up to class accidentally wearing two different shoes in two very different colors 🙂
    I was a long-time listener of The Transmission. You don’t know me personally, but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. I don’t speak from experience but what you describe (free-floating anxiety) may actually be a side-effect of your chemo or a type of PTSD. Have you considered joining a cancer survivors support group? I believe Kaiser offers some. It is natural for your friends to want to jump in and “fix” things for you. Sometimes that’s not possible. Sometimes you just have to accept this mental pain as part of the process … and tell yourself “this too shall pass.” You are very brave to share all of your experiences. I hope you know that many of us are praying for you and your family. Aloha, Sandra

  4. I will be keeping you in my prayers (hope you don’t mind but I already put you on our church prayer list as well-I figure the more prayers the better). This anxiety could also be coming from your mind feeling that it isn’t in control of things which can lead to worry about even the smallest thing to try and feel some control again. I do agree with the other comments to be sure and tell your doctor just in case they can offer something to help.

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