Ups and downs

I’ve been having good days and bad days.

Mostly, the bad days are caused by emotions and anxiety. My primary care physician prescribed Prozac, which has helped somewhat. I’m preoccupied with keeping the kids busy and productive until they start their summer fun program. It hasn’t given me a lot of time to rest, and it’s not always easy.

Today, I finished the first phase of chemo. I now face 12 weeks of Taxol, which I’m told is very easy comparatively to this first phase. Today’s treatment was hard. I’ve had a cough for a week or so and I’ve had a little more nausea and a serious lack of appetite despite the medication. So today, during the treatment, they had to give me an additional injection of something. It’s mellowed me out and made me rest today, which I need.

I’m not worried about the cancer. I know inside that I’m going to beat it. Ryan thinks my manic cleaning and decluttering is a way to cope with the possibility that I won’t be okay; that I’m fixing whatever I can before I die. I regret not doing more when I was well; for wasting time on other things when I could have been keeping up. Some days, I can be cosmic about it and tell myself that my house is kind of messy and it’s okay, but other days, I’m obsessed and driving Ryan crazy.

I’m not only fixated on my house, either. Everything is a crisis I must solve right now. I’m into everything but acting like a cancer patient.

I was told to gain weight the other day. I’m apparently losing at an alarming rate. It’s hard to gain weight when one has no appetite.