Ups and downs

I’ve been having good days and bad days.

Mostly, the bad days are caused by emotions and anxiety. My primary care physician prescribed Prozac, which has helped somewhat. I’m preoccupied with keeping the kids busy and productive until they start their summer fun program. It hasn’t given me a lot of time to rest, and it’s not always easy.

Today, I finished the first phase of chemo. I now face 12 weeks of Taxol, which I’m told is very easy comparatively to this first phase. Today’s treatment was hard. I’ve had a cough for a week or so and I’ve had a little more nausea and a serious lack of appetite despite the medication. So today, during the treatment, they had to give me an additional injection of something. It’s mellowed me out and made me rest today, which I need.

I’m not worried about the cancer. I know inside that I’m going to beat it. Ryan thinks my manic cleaning and decluttering is a way to cope with the possibility that I won’t be okay; that I’m fixing whatever I can before I die. I regret not doing more when I was well; for wasting time on other things when I could have been keeping up. Some days, I can be cosmic about it and tell myself that my house is kind of messy and it’s okay, but other days, I’m obsessed and driving Ryan crazy.

I’m not only fixated on my house, either. Everything is a crisis I must solve right now. I’m into everything but acting like a cancer patient.

I was told to gain weight the other day. I’m apparently losing at an alarming rate. It’s hard to gain weight when one has no appetite.


11 thoughts on “Ups and downs

  1. Jen…I saw the photo Ryan posted on FB yesterday and I have to say you look terrific. The weight loss seems to agree with you. Possibly the rate of the loss is more alarming. Regardless, your job is to beat the crap out of that disease and you’re doing it oh so well. The first phase is behind you. HALLELUJAH!
    healing hugs…tutu

  2. Hi Jen,

    TGIAF! I was wondering if you need anything from California. If I can send you anything, let me know. I’d like to ask a favor. If you could please send me some lava rocks, medium sized and wrapped in some sort of leaf that I keep hearing is good luck, preferably from the Big Island, I’d appreciate it.

    Always good to see you posting, although I can’t believe how much you’ve endured and taken time to share in these few months. Congrats on finishing the first phase of chemo. What does your medical team say about your loss of appetite? Will you be seeking alternative ways to get the cravings?

    Thinking of you and wishing you well. Please let me know if you need anything at all.

    Lots and lots of peace, sanity and healing. And rest. ❤


  3. You made it through the first part! You’re awesome!! I totally get what you’re saying about decluttering etc.. I would probably be doing the same thing. Actually, I should be doing it, period!

    It’s definitely hard to gain weight, or eat at all, when you feel so sick. I hope that being on the Taxol won’t affect your appetite the way the chemo has. Just take one day at a time, and know that there are people all over who are supporting you.

    With much aloha,


  4. Praying for you all. Phase 1 down! Know that durring the ups and downs we are here to support you. Praying that you get the rest you need, eat what you need and mentally rest. Praying that the peace of God which passes all understanding would guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus!

  5. Take care of yourself, lady–we ALL need you 🙂 Thanks for keeping up with letting us know what’s going on too, I know it must be hard. You’re amazing!

  6. I can only imagine how anxious I’d be if I were in your shoes. You’ve been through so much! I’m praying the next phase gets better and you start feeling better. You’ve got a lot of people thinking about you! ❤

  7. Hey there Jen,..Jay’s aunt cindy here.
    I would love to send you a recipe for, along with a batch of these protein bars that a vegetarian shared with me. They look like granola bars, lots of nuts, seeds, cranberries, whey protein powder, even choc if you want…easy to make and pretty healthy. A friend of mine went thru your journey last year. We passed them around at chemo, they were a big hit. I don’t keep them around much because I find they put on the weight. Send me an email if interested

  8. Aloha e Jen…. Just wanted to let you know you’re in my thoughts and prayers these days. Sending much aloha today…


  9. Just checking in to see how you were doing. You were on my mind today, Jen, so I thought a quick trip to your blog was in order. Positive thoughts heading your way. — Melissa

  10. Although I am not a friend or family member, I simply stumbled onto your blog and story…and I simply wanted to send you a lot of good healing energy, Jen – thank you for sharing your story and progress with the world. More awareness of any time I am sure is a helpful, positive thing for us all.

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