I feel pretty happy. In eight days, chemo will be over. Things are going well. The kids are well-adjusted and I have a lot of energy. But sometimes, I feel angry.
Just sometimes. At random moments. And I can’t even really tell you what I’m angry about. Being in the chemo chair makes me angry, and sometimes church makes me angry (that’s a story for later), but it never lasts long. I didn’t quite know how to handle it, except to shut myself off from the world as best I could until it passed.
Music has always helped me work through stuff. I’ve always found in stressful times that the right kind of music can smooth the rough edges and calm me down. As I’ve been going through this journey, though, I hadn’t found that certain music to crank up whenever I’m cranky. I found it when I was in the car and my iPod shuffled to “Disconnected” by Face to Face. Listening to that loud, angry song was cathartic. I needed more.
I’ve discovered this week that I love punk music. I’ve listened to The Ramones and Minor Threat and Black Flag this week, and maybe not coincidentally, I’ve felt more positive than I have all year. There was a time when I thought punk was just noise, and maybe it is, but it’s therapeutic noise. I’ve come to appreciate any musician that can express rage and negativity in a creative way. I wish I could do that.
There’s a layer of fine, white hair on my head now. Just fuzz. It’s especially noticeable around my temples. I wonder if this is a precursor to hair, or if it’s going to come in white.