I feel pretty happy.  In eight days, chemo will be over.  Things are going well.  The kids are well-adjusted and I have a lot of energy.  But sometimes, I feel angry.

Just sometimes.  At random moments.  And I can’t even really tell you what I’m angry about.  Being in the chemo chair makes me angry, and sometimes church makes me angry (that’s a story for later), but it never lasts long.  I didn’t quite know how to handle it, except to shut myself off from the world as best I could until it passed.

Music has always helped me work through stuff.  I’ve always found in stressful times that the right kind of music can smooth the rough edges and calm me down.  As I’ve been going through this journey, though, I hadn’t found that certain music to crank up whenever I’m cranky.  I found it when I was in the car and my iPod shuffled to “Disconnected” by Face to Face.  Listening to that loud, angry song was cathartic.  I needed more.

I’ve discovered this week that I love punk music.  I’ve listened to The Ramones and Minor Threat and Black Flag this week, and maybe not coincidentally, I’ve felt more positive than I have all year.  There was a time when I thought punk was just noise, and maybe it is, but it’s therapeutic noise.  I’ve come to appreciate any musician that can express rage and negativity in a creative way.  I wish I could do that.

There’s a layer of fine, white hair on my head now.  Just fuzz.  It’s especially noticeable around my temples.  I wonder if this is a precursor to hair, or if it’s going to come in white.

7 thoughts on “fuzz

  1. I wonder if that fuzz is equivalent to a newborn baby’s fuzz that usually falls out before the normal head of hair begins to grow…esp. since you’re going thru a rebirth of sorts. My youngest daughter was born with a mass of black hair, pretty much head to toe!!! It fell out and her real hair came in blond. The pediatrician thought we were bleaching it! Yah! Right! So, maybe your white fuzz will eventually make way for your normally dark hair. Just thinking out loud…*g* So happy chemo is almost behind you. My uneducated guess is that the crankies will pass once the chemo is over and your system is clear of it. Healing hugs and prayers continuing…

  2. So glad to hear that you’re feeling better. I don’t know much about hair, but I do sorta know the anger you feel from time to time (though I won’t insult you & say that I do know it as I do not have cancer and just feel my own anger whenever I think about those I know who are fighting it right now).

  3. Yay punk! Don’t forget Circle Jerks, Dead Kennedy’s, and I really like the Meat Puppets. And FLIPPER is awesome.
    You’re gonna get thru this – glad theres light at the end of the tunnel.

  4. Not to worry. That fine, almost transparent, hair becomes thicker and develops color as it grows. Hang in there.

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