I have a mammogram on Tuesday.  I’m scared.

It’s routine.  I have to have one every year now.   It’s something I’ve been planning for in the back of my mind since the diagnosis.  Somehow, it’s only occurred to me now that they could find something.

I don’t think about the cancer that often anymore.  I’m only reminded of it when I shower at night.  I don’t feel the danger like I did before.  It’s something that happened.  It’s in the past.

I’m afraid that now that I’ve gotten on with my life, it’ll come back.  I don’t even know what I’d do if it did.  I’ve decided to get reconstruction, but that’ll have to wait if they find something.  I don’t know if I can handle another round of treatment.

My missing breast hasn’t changed what I am inside.  It’s a superficial change.  Still, I want it back.  I want to be complete and healthy and it finally feels like those things are within reach again.  I don’t want to lose that.

6 thoughts on “routine

  1. I know it’s hard not to consider but try not to think about the cancer, instead think about getting a clean report. Don’t waste your energy on worry. Think, see, feel what it is you really want to happen and it will. Sending you lots of good vibes.

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