Considering

Life is continuing.

I’m glad you’re still reading.  I like writing and sharing but sometimes it’s hard to open up about my illness.  I’ve said that before but now that my cancer is metastatic, I feel sometimes like I’m being pursued by something horrible with claws and talking about it wakes it up.  I feel like if I ignore things, it’ll go away, which I know is very unhealthy.

Today all the stuff I usually sweep under the rug came crawling out, rushing toward me in a big way, and I started crying at breakfast, convinced I was having an emotional breakdown.  A song playing on the restaurant’s PA reminded me of the day I had the biopsy, and I was also reminded that it’s coming up on the second anniversary of losing my mom, and I just started blubbering.

So I’m here, hoping to gain some clarity.

I miss my mom like crazy.  She was my confidante and my conscience, letting me know when I was being ridiculous.  She loved me exactly for who I was, never judging.  Nobody will ever love me like she did.  It hurts so much when I realize that I can’t call or text her.

I so need to see my doctor.  Isn’t it crazy how someone could be afraid to see someone who is trying to help her?  I’m not even having a particularly hard time with the treatments.  I’m getting a new treatment, basically a shot in each hip once a month.  There are some signs of progression in my bones, but not much.  The bloodwork has been improving overall.  I just had a rough patch last summer when I was experiencing pain.  I’m also on Ibrance.

Sometimes, the kids will all end up in the room while I’m relaxing or reading or whatever and we’ll all sit around and talk about nothing in particular and laugh.  Those are the times I live for.  I feel thankful that I still have them.  They are doing so well.  Kate is graduating from college and Zac from high school.  I know they all love me.

I’m still working.

I like work.  It keeps me going.  I’ve met great people.  My best days at work are when I’ve truly helped someone.  I had a customer the other day ask for a hug after I’d helped her.  She was a young woman, trying to patch a hole in a wall, and I had a suspicion about how it got there, but I didn’t ask, and her relief told me a lot of things.

Every single person I know at work makes things better.  I am friends with all of my coworkers.

Except for one.

When I know that I’ll be working with this particular person, I literally feel sick to my stomach.  This person makes me feel like at best, like a naughty third grader, and at worst, like gum on the bottom of a shoe.  I realize that there are horrible people at every workplace, but this person has the power to not only get under my skin, but also ruin everything for me.

I’m good at my job. I kick ass. I work with good people at a good company. I know I shouldn’t let one person ruin a good thing but the dread I feel on the days this person works is so visceral.

I’ve gone to HR about this person. Many others have cited this person in their exit interviews. I know this person drives turnover in an already tight job market.

I guess this is the downside for a company that’s loyal to all of its employees.